May 31, 2011

A Satirical Look At The Infamous Sports Illustrated Article

By now many of us have read the infamous article by George Dohrmann on Sports Illustrated. While this article didn't bring up anything drastically new, it did rehash old facts and added more names to the lists of crimes. If only 75% of this is true, this article makes Bernie Madoff, the Enron CEO's and Gargamel, (yes that was a Smurfs reference) look like saints. I'm not about to say this reporter is not reporting facts. As a man who respects journalism, I will always give the reporter the benefit of the doubt. Not to mention he does have a Pulitzer Prize award. In all seriousness, OSU is in deep shit because of Tressel. You cannot blame anyone but him. He broke the rules and lied and has to pay the price.

However, without further adieu, here is my satirical take on the article.

--- One of the players allegedly sold memorabilia for a pound of weed. That is not a small amount of weed for those naive about the topic. Enough that he was most likely selling it in the locker room. However, if any of you have been around a big college campus, football players under the influence of marijuana is not a rare thing to see. Maybe that problem should be investigated.

--- Jim Tressel allegedly fixed a raffle. This begs the question of how many other raffles are fixed. Not just football camps but family parties, fairs, church events. How come the old lady always wins! Someone investigate that!

--- Apparently the tattoo parlors near Columbus are more like Dave & Busters. A lounge upstairs with TV's and video games? Do you think the punter or that token walk-on white receiver get invited to that?  Sounds like a damn good time. I bet they have a ski-ball that you could win Big Ten Championship rings. Too soon?

--- This Eddie Rife fellow once pointed a gun at a chronic drug addict. Or maybe the addict pointed the gun at him. Or maybe the gun floated in the air and pointed itself at both of them. Or maybe he thought he was in a Michigan tattoo parlor. Who knows he was most likely high off his ass.

--- Terrell Pryor has more cars than most dealerships. He also thinks it is appropriate to drive his 2007 Nissan 350Z to a team meeting. Last week. Did we all think this kid was in pre-med or something? He's clearly not a genius. Hopefully he can sell his eventual SEC Championship ring to a tattoo parlor to get his Buckeye tattoo removed. JK he's not that good.

--- For the OSU fans who want Urban Meyer. Remember that he led the NCAA in player arrests at his time in Florida. Sure he had the second coming of Jesus Christ. But he also had a few dozen Hitler's and Mussolini's there. Plus what big name coach is going to want to come here if there are sanctions for 5 years. <---- Sadly was not a joke.

Its gonna be a rough few years for OSU and the Buckeye Nation. Tressel brought this upon himself. You cannot claim ignorance to that much evidence that is right in front of you. Sure he could say its out of his control, but he is in charge of them. He is the one recruiting these questionable athletes. For a man of character, maybe he should've tried to recruit the same. I know he wanted to try to mold these kids into better people but sometimes there is only so much you can do.

He bit the dust trying to cover up these prima donnas. His legacy and integrity will always be tarnished. But one serious thing we can remember is this; Even if he lied and cheated, all of his former players still claim they loved him and revered him. This shows that he was a good man who made an impact on these kids lives.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous12:33 AM

    Well said for the most part...

    He'll have a statue in 5 years

    Don't think anything that came to life was that bad though with this article, especially compared to what I could imagine coming out.

    Much just cited anonymous sources, which can't lead to any type of sanction unless the necessary investigations turn up something more along the proof variety of the spectrum

    Pryor is definitely gone... hopefully.

    Coaches will want to come regardless.

    No one here refutes the idiocy of what he did