May 30, 2012

Top 5 Fan Bases I Love to Hate

In honor of the Eastern Conference Finals, in which two of my most despised teams are currently battling for a trip to the NBA Finals, I began to wrestle with the argument of which fan base is worse: the Miami Heat's or the Boston Celtic's.I tweeted this and got the expected, "What's-a-Miami-Heat-fan" jokes, but I still think it's an interesting debate. Rather than just debate between these two, however, I'm going to do a countdown of my 5 most annoying fan bases in sports--professional or college. Naturally, being from Cleveland and living in Ohio my entire life my rankings are going to be pretty biased due to geography, but it's my list so if you don't like it too goddamn bad.

5. Miami Fans (Dolphins, Heat, Marlins)

I'll say this about Miami fans, you don't often hear them refuting the fact that they're fair-weather. Sure, they never show up until the game is halfway over. Sure they probably have no fucking idea who is on their team or what sporting event their even attending, but they won't deny it. Even Sir Charles says that Miami has the worst fans in professional sports. Sure, the Heat are #5 in the NBA in attendance, but it helps having two mega-stars and one Bostrich roaming the court every night. I would argue it's a disappointment they aren't one or two. The Dolphins, on the other hand, boast the league's 31st spot in attendance (for the record, I went by "home percentage," which I'm assuming is the percentage of seats filled throughout a given season). And then there are the Marlins, who have a beautiful brand-new stadium, sit only 1.5 games back of the NL East with a 28-22 record and still rank only in the middle of the MLB attendance ratings.

No one is going to refute that Miami fans are horrendous, but they sit at number 5 for that very reason--even they don't deny it.
Oops, sorry. It's 1-9 now. OSU beat Ryan Mallett in '10!

4. Ohio State Buckeyes (Football, Basketball, Womens Tennis, Soccer, Fencing, Etc.)

I'm not an Ohio State hater. I'm really not. I give credit where credit is due. If Ohio State blows, I'll say they blow. If they are a good fucking team, I'll say they are a good fucking team. Sure, I give my Buckeye friends a little shit just to rile them up, but who doesn't give their friends a hard time just for the sake of giving them a hard time? My contempt for Ohio St. fans stems back from this. Young high school Buck used to be a casual Ohio St. fan. I'll be the first to admit I wasn't the greatest, most involved or passionate Buckeye fan growing up. I was a Browns kid. I'm still a Browns kid. I'll always be a Browns kid. When going to college, I had a lot of high school friends come out of the woodwork and declared themselves Ohio St. super-fans. The type of fans who [pretend to] know everything about everything Ohio St. related. Ohio St. "fans" who I'd known for years who literally told me, "I've always liked Ohio St. women's soccer!" Honest to God. Look, I don't have a problem with 'adopting' a team, especially a collegiate one once you establish a legitimate connection with the school. But don't pull the I'm-not-going-to-talk-to-you-for-months-because-you-made-a-joke-about-that-Penn-State-loss card. That shit's weak and stupid as fuck. Obviously not all Ohio St. fans are like this, but I know way too many that are to let it slide as some sort of anomaly.

PS: Buckeye/Wolverine fans that think you own the biggest rivalry in college football, go down to Alabama and tell that to Auburn/Bama fans and wait till they pull a shotgun out of their '84 Ford pickup and shoot you in the dick.
Whoa! Sellout!

3. Bengals Fans

I went to Miami University for about a year and a half. For those of you that don't know, Oxford is only about 45 minutes or an hour to Cincy. That being said, I was surrounded by Bengals fans. Every where. Well, if you want to call them Bengals fans. Or you could just call them people walking around in Bengals jerseys. That's the thing about Bengals fans, they don't understand that knowing Carson Palmer throws the football doesn't make them a good fan. And hey, Bengals fans! Carson Palmer doesn't throw the football anymore. I went to multiple Browns/Bengals games with fellow blogger JP during my time at Miami, and every time we sat about 6 or 7 rows back of the end zone, directly behind the goal post. If we were in Browns Stadium, we would have been in the Dawg Pound. Needless to say we were expecting (dare I say hoping?) to get heckled by throwing ourselves right into "The Jungle." Jesus, were we underwhelmed. Probably 1/3 of the people sitting around us were Browns fans, and I'm not exaggerating when I say I felt like I was at a high school football game back home in Cleveland. That was the atmosphere of the game. No cheering, to emotion, pretty much nothing. Look, I'm not saying you need to know every player on the roster/practice squad like I do to be a good fan, nor am I saying you need to be jumping up and down and screaming and shit all game. But don't pretend. Don't walk around in your '04 TJ Houshmandzadeh jersey and pretend you're a goddamn mega-fan. Fuck you, Bengals. You'll always be Paul Brown's bastard child to us in Cleveland.

2. The Yankee-Cowboys-Lakers etc. Band-wagoners

Is there anything worse than the typical, "I started rooting for them when I was little and they were good" argument? You know, the argument like the douche bag above follows. It pretty much says, I'm too weak to  stick up for my hometown team if they weren't good when I was growing up. Obviously not all people are privy to this. Some people may not have had a hometown team or stuff like that. But the frustrating thing is when fans that do say "fuck you" to their home town and go hop on the who's-good-now bandwagon. That's part of the thrill--and agony--of sports: suffering through growing-pains, endless rebuilding periods, and torturous defeats with your fellow fans. As far as I'm concerned, those who skip those steps lose out on the true meaning of sports and should be embarrassed to call themselves fans.

1. Boston Fans (All of them)

Ahhh yes, the Kingpin of sports shitbags. Baahhston fans. Whether it be griping about how the city is cursed,  blaming every Celtic loss on David Stern rigging the NBA playoffs, or treating Bill Belichick as God himself, Boston fans are by far the most obnoxious and ass hole fans in all of sports. First thing's first. The Sox. Fucking Red Sox. The classic example of the Yankees-are-only-good-because-of-their-massive-payroll argument, except, the Red Sox just turn around and do the same thing. There is not much that's more refreshing in sports than to see the Red Sox bringing up the rear in the AL East, as they are now.

And the damn Celtics. I once had a friend originally from New England who was a big Pats fan during their (now oh-so-distant Super Bowl wins). We used to ask him about the C's and he'd just turn and say, "dude I don't give a shit about basketball." Typical Boston fan. 'I don't give a shit unless the team is doing awesome.' Lo-and-behold, the Big Three come of Boston and my friend, (we'll call him Maggie) turns into a big Celtics fan. One night we're watching the Celtics-Cavs series and say, "Maggie, when did you turn into a big Celtics fan? You hate basketball." and he responded by telling us that we're crazy, he's always been a big Celtics fan. Again, typical. And while we're at it, is is just me, or is every Celtic playoff win a fairly officiated game and every loss blamed on inept officiating or, like I said earlier, Heir Stern rigging the playoffs. Get over it, Boston, the refs don't make Ray Allen shoot 1-7.

Finally, the Pats. Ohhh the Patriots. Led by Jesus Christ Belichick himself. The Greatest of All Time. Unless you look at his 51-62 record without Tom Brady. The defensive mastermind. Unless you consider the fact that he's had a top-10 defense 5 times in 26 years of being a head coach. Sure, talk about Tom Brady. The dude is good. He's even great. But go ahead and keep knocking down Peyton Manning like he's not the greatest QB of his generation. Go ahead and knock Eli Manning. He'll just knock you out of the building when you meet in the Super Bowl. If there is a more blind following of an individual (Belichick) and team (Pats), I'd love to see it.

PS, New England: This is your most well known fan that represents you when people think of Boston sports:

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