Apr 5, 2013

Life Lessons From Major League

So with the first Indians loss of the season last night, naturally I went home and watched Major League to make myself feel better. It occured to me when I was watching it that Major League offers up some valuable lessons to the viewer, and Cleveland fans everywhere. Here are the most notable:

Don’t Underestimate Cleveland Sports

Keep on creepin' on, Jake.
Stalking girls home from work sometimes works out: my man Jake Taylor did the often hated-on move of stalking his would-be wife home from work. Little does he know that she’s actually going to her fiancĂ©’s apartment. Hey, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again, right?  The second time he followers her home from the stadium and hit’s a home run, terrible pun intended. The lesson in this case is that while many hate stalking the girl you have a crush on, Jake Taylor showed us that sometimes, it pays off.

The wave is a momentum changer: Clinging to a one run lead in the top of the 9th with runners on the corners, all it takes is a two-person wave to get short pop out to Taylor for seal the win. If that isn’t concrete proof of it’s power I don’t know what is.

Suzanne Dorn is a classic example of how butch cuts can make even good-looking girls gross: are you kidding my with that hair-do Suzanne?? 

“Cut your nuts off and stuff them down your fucking throat” always works: Jake Taylor’s words to Roger Dorn. Never fails. Did you see the diggers Dorn took after Taylor threatened him like this? If I ever have a problem with a co-worker, now I know exactly how to rectify the situation.

There’s no way this Kevin Costner movie will ever be as good as Major League

The matchup: Jesus vs. Jobu

a.     Jobu can’t hit a curveball (-Jobu) (+JC)
b.     Jobu curses Harris after he drinks his rum (+Jobu) (-JC)
c.     Jobu is in the bullpen as Harris warms up for the playoff, but Harris is losing till Cerrano says “Fuck you Jobu” and hits a 2 run homer (--Jobu) (++JC)

FINAL TALLY: My man JC smokes Jubo with a final score of +2 to -2. 

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